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The Meaning of Life?
(Meserette Kentake/ picture designed by alucas)
“In that land of beginnings, spirits mingled with the unborn. There was much feasting, playing, and sorrowing. We feasted much because of the beautiful terrors of eternity. We played much because we were free. And we sorrowed much because there were those amongst us who had returned from the world of the Living. They had returned inconsolable for all the love they had left behind, all the suffering they hadn’t redeemed, all that they hadn’t understood and for all that they had barely begun to learn before they were drawn back to the land of origins.”
From THE FAMISHED ROAD by Ben Okri
I was around five years old when I had my ‘first’ surreal experience. I was on my way to pick a star apple (a fruit native to Jamaica) from the tree in our yard when a thought tiptoed across my mind: “What if my whole body was chopped up in a million pieces…would I still be me?” I can see the little girl I was, suddenly stopping to play with the thought, to look up to the heavens, before experiencing a deep ‘knowing’ that she would exist without her body.
From that moment, I began to look at life in enchantment. This sparked my journey of self discovery to unravel the mystery of life. I read widely, attended numerous seminars and listened closely to that voice from within. I am guided by my intuition, dreams and visions.
For example, in a dream message I was told:
“Karma is like a pebble that has fallen from the sky. Where it lands, is the circumstance it finds itself in. To change one’s karma one must change location.”
My questions are: Who made the pebble? Was the pebble thrown? Where is it falling from? Can the pebble change its location? Isn’t a pebble dependent on an outside source to move it (like the earth trembling)?
As well as: What does ‘location’ refer to: moving to a new home in a different town, country? Or is the location, one’s mind? It is said that a dark and cloudy day for those of us on earth is a different reality for someone travelling in a plane about the clouds. It is clear and bright. Therefore, is it having a different and/or higher perspective…that location refers to?
Curiously, the Dream Guides/Ancestors/Higher Self/God/Goddess has been silent.
These questions came back to me recently, when an event sent me head first into what is known as an existential crisis? I have always been a fighter. As a little girl my mother called me: Warboat! Warmonger! In my horoscope (both vedic and western), Mars is in my first house. It makes me fearless even of things that should be feared.
I have given you a picture of myself as a fearless warrior for this end…I was frightened recently. Body, Mind and Spirit! I did what most daughters would do, I called my mother: I told her: ‘Mummy, I think a light has gone out within me.’ In my mind’s eye I saw the warrior (my heroine archetype) within me, sat down.
She sat there sharpening her swords, but more out of habit. For the first time (because she has landed on her ass before) I was afraid she would never get up again. Life seemed so meaningless!!!
In the old days of Africa, there comes a point when the young ones went through a rite of passage. It was understood at a deep level that Life is Suffering and therefore it was believed that if they could endure the trials of initiation then they would be prepared to meet the inevitable moments of disappointments, difficulties and despairs.
What is suffering?
Suffering is where desires and destiny collides.’ (My interpretation.)
For example, one of my desires is to see my sons grown up to be men. If it is in their destinies to ‘die’ before a certain age then naturally I will suffer.
I thought that I understood this because, I have experienced a life of challenges: I spent part of my life growing up in Rockfort (a ghetto in Jamaica).
I do not know the identity of my biological father. My childhood was one of alienation and humiliation and my teenage years were spent defending myself because “you is a brown skin gal dat tink say you nice”. I was in a horrific car accident that destroyed some of my childhood dreams for myself. I had to fight my way out of an abusive marriage. Someone fired twelve bullets at me in 2003 and is currently serving a sentence for attempted murder.
Yet I did not know suffering. I have come to believe that Suffering is like sex.
As women we can have a lot of sex without experiencing that orgasmic moment we yearn for. No, not those lied about fake ones we do to massage our partner’s egos and to keep ourselves believing that we are really in love with him. You all know what I am talking about! We can have a lot of suffering until we truly experienced it, full on. And it comes on you unexpectedly cause you never know when you going to get that orgasm.
Suffering puts you in touch with your powerlessness. You suddenly feel an overwhelming need for a safe place to retreat to whether that is the arms of a lover, the ears of a loving friend, or searching for laughter in your child’s eye.
The truth is you just really want to go and curl up back in the waters of your mother’s womb. And yet, even when you are able to receive loving support you still feel alone very alone.
You start to question whether you really can make a difference? You want to know: The meaning of life. And everything you have ever been taught just does not make any god damn sense! You look at the world with new eyes as if you are just seeing it for the first. And you wonder how did I miss that?
I do not like reality TV. I catch up on what’s happening in conversations with friends, and/or what’s captured by the media. Yet I watched part of an episode of Big Brother recently and I thought: ‘That’s Life.’
It’s as if we are put on earth and are being watched as we ‘tear’ each other apart. Africans against Europeans against Asians, etc. Muslims against Christians and Jews and Hindus and so on. Men against women. Women against men.
We go around ‘shoulding’ on each other, hurting each other. Just watch episodes of Jerry Springer. These programmes hurt my heart as I watch the pain people go through. The cruelty we inflict on each other is unbelievable!
And it does not matter whether we are the one being offensive or defensive.
The irony of life is that in any given moment the peace loving amongst has the capacity to resort to violence if we feel our lives or the lives of those we love are threatened.
There is unfairness unbelievably so!
There are people who would make a difference, do they win the lottery?
NO! And what difference can we make? No matter what we do murders, rapes, verbal and physical abuses, greed, poverty will still exist. Being a student of history I see life perpetually repeating itself. The dance changes (the characters are different) but the music remains the same.
After watching the film, The Gangs of New York, it struck me that all the violence of a hundred years ago is still taking place. I have never been to the Big Apple but it seems there are still many gangs of New York.
Have you watched the film Million Dollar Baby? Painful! Even when you strive to be if it is not for you BOOM!
Art imitating life.
Now what are our choices? Do we even have any? Is our lives scripted? Let me ask this question: If Denzel Washington is scripted to play Malcolm X, he cannot change the script and play Training Day instead? He has to play Malcolm X. Now if the plot is that you will live fast and die young (like most of the youths I grew up with) all The Secret marketed at you will not make you attract prosperity in your life, if it is not in the script. Put another way dove cannot be an eagle.
And we live in ignorance. If indeed life is scripted, we do not even know our roles. We are told we all have a purpose. Can we recite our purpose by heart? No! We are sent on an amazing journey to discover it. Yes, some of us come with extraordinary talents but you and I know that the most talented don’t usually make it. One of my childhood friends sang like an angel. Has she got a major record deal? One could argue well that is not her purpose because our careers are not our purpose. What is it then?
And if we are living according to a script who is the Director, the Producer, and the other stage personnels? I know the Gurus will say: Your soul, the creator, the ancestors, angels, lesser gods and goddesses, spirit guides, etc
There are those who believe (me included) that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Human life is compared to a suit of clothes. When the soul has outgrown it suit of clothes, we die. Yet it seems the clothes are more in control of how we behave than the being wearing it? Do you follow? We, humans (the egos), must invite the soul to take charge of our lives or it may never happen?
We continue to be victims (or is that volunteers) of our impulses.
Suffering makes you confront the question: Are we Prisoners?
It seems we are. We did not, after all, chose the time of our birth? Nor do we a say in when, or even how, we will die.
Prisoners? Captured and chained by our desires. We all have them. We hunger for love and approval, whether that’s from our mothers, fathers, a partner, our children, our friends, and so on. We want to be first in someone’s life. We feel inadequate somehow.
I have always run from romantic love being a free spirit. I always feel caged/trapped in a relationship. I feel completeness in myself. So my great desire: To discover the meaning of life. The search consumes me in the same way others want to be loved, to be successful, to be famous, to be powerful, to live a life devoted to God, or to be self realised, etc. It’s the reason why books are my golden handcuffs. I am searching for answers. Like everyone else I am caught up in the rat race of constantly chasing a desire and like a shadow it cannot be grasp.
The myth goes that by allowing our souls to take charge means being freed of desires or at very least not being attached to them. We are no longer prisoners? As far as I see it, we still are. Living soulfully is just being accepting of the situation we live in as humans.
And if we are prisoners, can we escape? Where would we escape to? We would just be fugitives? And if we are eternal beings did we really choose to come here? Is it another system of control where we come from?
I have painted a very desolate picture. But suffering is not pretty.Suffering sends you into a world of conflicts.
I wrote this because I have received a few messages with hints of ‘feelings of futility’. I was not surprised by the parallels of our lives. I wanted you to know we are all in this together. You are not the only one to hurt from deep within your marrows.
What are we to do? This is why…Life is a Mystery.
There are those amongst us who will tell us that life is about Self Realisation.
However the argument seems nonsensical. If this was true everyone would live to a ripe old age. How can a child self realise??? Or is self realisation for a chosen few???
There are those amongst who KNOWS.
What is it they know? The art of living or the meaning of life?
Personal beliefs are being passed off as truths. Absolute truth. But no one truly knows. The ‘truth’ remains. It is all guessworks. No one can prove the existence of a soul.
We are taught that it is our Karmas that decide our experiences of suffering and what is possible for us to achieve. KARMA! Karma decides the seeds of negativity and positivity that have taken roots within us. Therefore, if I had an abusive childhood it was something ‘I’ did in a past life that attracted this experience in this lifetime. Or maybe I am learning a particular virtue from the experience. Life is a learning experience.
Another ‘truth’ we are taught is: YOU are the reason your life is the way it is!
For example: The amount of money you have in your life is relative to the amount of love you have for yourself. What a load of bullshit. So all rich and wealthy people have great love for themselves?
Or we must look within ourselves when we encounter negativity anger, depression, fear because our experiences are reflection of who we are.
MY question is: What is this life a reflection of?
Can the day conquer the night? No matter how much changes the day goes through can it make the night less dark? We can turn ourselves inside out reflecting on why we attract certain experiences when the answer could be to just accept that life is.
For example, if I keep attracting jealousy…does this mean I am a jealous person and I must keep looking for the root within myself or am I to accept the fact that this is how others may react to me? My belief is, that I will find a root of ‘jealousy’ within me… and what will I do when I find it? I have seen the way those of us on a path of self discovery beat ourselves up and blame ourselves for our outer experiences…whether we use the Laws of Attraction, Karma, etc.
But being human means that seeds of darkness as well as light are planted within all of us…For some people Greed is like a major Oak tree for some, it is like the seeds had fallen on rocky grounds and cannot take root. Who decides the way our garden grows or even what grows in our gardens? We all have roots of negativity.
We can get seduced by all these new age ideas that blame us for the suffering we experience in our lives or we can realise that even if a person is walking around with a halo on her head, she is still going to experience suffering. It is just that she may emerge from the wreckage more balanced and self assured without a trace of bitterness, whereas someone else may lose herself in a more destructive lifestyle.
I believe that the GIVENS in life are: We will all experience suffering. We all have dual natures. These are the only truths I see which is applicable to every human being on planet earth.
I also believe that we have a choice in determining the meanings we attached to the events in our lives. There are no absolute answers. We all have to find our own personal truths and do what feels right for us.
“What is your truth independent of outside forces? What speaks to you? What do you feel, believe, think and know? What inner resources do you have? What is your definition for your existence?
“And so it is with all human beings, that often they are asked to accept a destiny they do not desire and they are helpless to resist.”
From Song of the Stars by Vusamazulu Cerdo Mutwa
I refuse to let my life:
dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
just sags
like a heavy load.
(Words taken from Langston Hughes’ poem: A Dream Deferred)
In the end, no matter the suffering we have experienced, we all cannot be afraid to live our lives and to follow the dreams in our hearts.
I’ve ‘decided’ I want to know and accept myself completely so I can respond rather than react to situations I meet in life.
I want to be mindful of how I communicate with others.
I want to live a life of being non-judgemental life is difficult enough as it is to place more demands on another. So what does it matter if the sister is 600 lbs in weight? What does it matter if she does not know the father of her babies?
What does it matter if her hair is perm or natural? What does it matters if she has sex with a man or with a woman?
I believe we need to be more compassionate to each other because it seems to me we are all fumbling around in the dark.
I’ve also decided to stop striving and to take life in my strides. Rather than change the script I will work the script so there is not too many retakes.
I’ve ‘decided’ to develop my inner strength so traumatising events do not paralyse my spirit but encourage me to make a difference.
And because I know these to be desires, I refuse to beat myself up if they collide with destiny.
This is my personal truth. My beliefs. My opinions.
What are yours?
I will end with the beginning of a poem I wrote years ago.
“The journey of life
Leads inward
Entering dark places of ourselves
As we search for meanings
And seek answers
For the reasons why we suffer
Why change is necessary
Why I am me and not you”
Fly Robin Fly…..
(Tuesday Conner)
When she was young and naive
She didn’t know
Daddy said
This game was just for two.
She didn’t tell me
She was molested as a child
But, I hear it in her words
I see something missing in her smile
She never told me daddy touched her here…..
But, in her eyes I see the hurt
And, if no body else does
I care
When you’re that young
You don’t know it’s wrong
The man whose suppose to keep you
Safe from all harm
Her first boyfriend…
Her momma’s man
Words unspoken
Can never mend
She didn’t tell me
She was molested as a child
She hides from herself
Fakes a broken smile
Her man
Only put his mouth on her tiny little lips
Creating a sensation
She grew accustom to at two
She gave him hand service at four
When she turned six…
Daddy said…we could play no more but…
It was her six grade teacher
Who needed to be stroked at recess and at lunch
The hands of a child
The stroke of a pro
Inside the elementary classroom
Her virginity broke at 14
By 16 she was a Sex Addict Queen
You couldn’t turn her off
Like a wild stallion who wouldn’t be bucked.
She was 18 before she knew
She was not obligated
To give herself to every man
Who wanted to screw
It had been taken from her
Since the age of only two
She was 21 when she locked down
The powers within
At RIU she studied the Psychology of Men
Now commanding them
To get on their knees and beg
Vowing never let a man
Get inside her head
Daddy’s Little Girl
Lost in a world of betrayal
He’ll never know the intensity of hurt
He’ll never feel the empty pain
He’ll never know the lack of trust
She has in each and every man
It’s just a sex game
Who’s the master?
Who’s the slave?
Who’s taken for granted?
Who says anything?
Sex is just a game
She never told me
She was molested as a child
She lays down beautiful lyrics
Just dodging a broken smile
Waiting all the while
One day he’ll become a man
Apologize for what he’s done
She hopes before he’s dead.
Then she will be free
To fly with the sun
For every Robin here…
I am sorry, I am so, so sorry
For what was done
But, Right here, right now it’s time
Go Now Robin
Fly on
Copyright 2004 Tuesday Conner
More about Tuesday Conner:
www.tuesdayconner.com
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