2008 Real Women Archives

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Visit the 2007 Real Women Archives

Plastic Surgery

(Bernice Angoh)

We’ve all seen and heard of the horror stories unfortunately, the trend still increases. So many people want to look like the celebrities. They hate themselves, they hate their noses, their chins, their butts, their eyes and everything that’s about them. Some want to be different people altogether. “I want to be like Barbie” They say. So they go under the knife 30 to 40 times before they turn thirty! We have become an extremely vain society.

Parents have become advocates. They are too lazy to teach their kids about self-esteem or self-image. For graduation they shower them with extravagant gifts and no, I’m not talking about a brand new car, this one is more special; a brand new pair of perfect breasts. High school kids barely even 21years old, that’s what they want and that’s what Mom and Dad give them. It is a perfect world!

Liposuction is the most common form of plastic surgery, with about 18-100 deaths per 100,000 performed. There are also grave risks including:

1) Infections: Like any other surgery, infections may occur is the wound is not properly cleaned. It is important for a doctor to prescribe antibiotics for his patients. Sometimes there are bacteria that start to eat up the tissue and cause infections that may be deadly. Also a toxic shock syndrome may occur, it is a bacterial infection commonly associated with surgery you may have heard this too with women who use tampons.

2) Complications with Anesthesia: Like most surgeries, anesthetic toxicity may occur. Large amounts of this when given can cause the heart to stop and consequently death.

3) Imbalance of Fluids: Your body’s fat contains lots of fluids and this is what is taken or removed during surgery. Excess fluid may collect in the lungs and your kidney in trying to maintain this imbalance may fail

4) Skin Death or Necrosis: Skin around or above surgery area may ‘die off’ and fall. Bacteria may also grow in such areas and skin color changes occur and become infected with microorganisms.

5) Loss of Sensation: Sometimes, there may be permanent loss of ‘feeling’ or sensation to the area. Usually in the case of breast implants, around the nipple.

6) Perforated Organs: Organs may be wounded and perforated during procedures and this may be fatal.

7) Clots: Loosened fat may travel through broken blood vessels and cause a clot in the brain, blood vessels and in the lungs where it will cause shortness of breath or breathing difficulties. Sometimes these clots may cause permanent disabilities and/or death.

There are more complications that can occur during plastic surgery but they are too many to name. So many people try to fill the emptiness in them with things that will instead cause more like plastic surgery. Because, like most things, it becomes an addiction–you will never feel good enough and there can always be more procedures done. Plastic surgery is a multi-billion dollar industry and most surgeons will not turn down a returning patient. It means more money in their pockets and it is a business.

Some people have been termed ‘Plastic Surgery Nightmares’ for a good reason. Most celebrities due to public scrutiny have become addicts themselves at least they have the money to splurge. But when you see someone who’s only making $10 per hour at a job and spends years saving up almost $10,000.00 to get a face lift or breast implant, you begin to wonder what is going on in their brains.

With celebrities, one day you see them this way and the next time, they look like burnt victims, or battered victims or ghosts. I remember Mickey Rouke when he used to be younger and handsome. Now he looks like a burn victim. Vivica A. Fox has probably injected more collagen into her lips than needed and even though she still looks pretty, she was prettier before. Some people have done so many face lifts they actually can not distinguish themselves from their own cats. Then the new Botox trend has left others with expressionless faces.

Everyday in the news we hear of another person who died because of plastic surgery gone bad. In 2004 we lost Olivia Goldsmith from ‘The first wives’ club’ due to a facelift gone bad.

Just recently, rap artist, Kanye West, lost his beloved mother to plastic surgery. I understand people who need it for medical purposes but those whose only reason is vanity, baffle me. There are more kids and families out there who can be sponsored for medical procedures because they don’t have the funds. Yet we have a society so selfish and so self-centered who would go through extreme lengths to change their already beautiful self to something they think is more ‘ideal’.

30% of aging and 70% is lifestyle. That is a fact. So instead of going through all the risks and throwing all that money away maybe we can do the following non-quick-fixes:

1) Change your diet, eat better and make better choices to lose weight.

2) Exercise, three times a week, thirty minutes each time. Get off the couch, put off the TV and take a walk.

3) Start taking care of your skin now and don’t wait till you are ‘older’. A lady should start having a skin care regimen from age 12. For the number one in prestige skin care(and retail sales)try either ‘Artistry’ or ‘Clear.now’ from the following site: www.langohshops.com

For those of you who are older, there is an alternative for Botox that has everyone talking. We call it ‘Notox’. Visit www.langohshops.com and look for Artistry Time Defiance Intensive Repair Serum in the search box on the site. Enjoy free shipping on most of our products.

4) Last but not the least. Love yourself as you are.

More about Bernice Angoh:
www.lemonadestreet.net
www.langohshops.com

The Perfect One

(Bernice Angoh)

So many of us walk around looking for the perfect one, where O where could he be?

Did we pass him by in the streets and did not realize it? Could he be in the Mall or maybe at the famous clubs? Where is the perfect one? In a church? next door? In the park walking his little puppy? Sitting next to me in the bus? Questions and more questions but never any answers. Frustration builds, resentment resurfaces and self-loathing begins. There must be something wrong with me then! Everyone I meet just seems to vanish. They say “I’ll call you” but then they never do. I am not worthy. Let’s see, maybe it’s my breast, they are not big enough or maybe he thinks they are grotesque because they are ‘DDs’. My nose! That witches nose, it’s no where near Cameron Diaz’s and my lips are not as thick and lush as Angelina Jolie’s. No, that’s not it, I am just too fat, no matter how much I exercise, I can never be like Calista Flokhart.

The perfect one does not exist and even when you do find the one you think is ‘The Perfect One’, you will soon see all his shortcomings and then he becomes the ‘not so perfect one anymore’. Too many women sell themselves short when they choose their dates. A woman, who has not dated for a while, may get so super exited that someone even comes to talk to them or asks them out. “Oh my Gosh, the way he said it, no one has ever said it like that” She would say.

“What? What did he say, how did he say it?” asks the friend

“You are very beautiful” she would gush. “Wao!”

Yes, wao! That a guy whom you thought was a loser has now charmed you by telling you something you already know?

I guess what I’m trying to say is the perfect one is inside of you. The perfect one is who you choose to be or become. Instead of spending all that time looking for him, work more on yourself and you will attract what you become. Don’t rush into a relationship because you’re tired of being lonely. Get into a relationship because you found a great person like yourself, who wants to grow and realizes that they are the other part of that 100%-100% circle and not 50%-50%.

To start becoming the perfect one, you must be willing to sincerely look into your heart and accept responsibility. It is amazing that when one does that “truly taking responsibility” something magical happens. You stop making excuses and blaming other people and start realizing that you are the captain of your own ship and you define and create your destiny.

I am amazed about the number of people who don’t read good books. They would rather escape into the land of fantasy than face reality by taking ownership of their lives and future. Reading is one of the greatest and most important tools you can ever use on your journey of self-discovery.

When you spend half of your time focusing on things outside of yourself, you are looking outward and not inward, only when you step outside and like another person, look at yourself; you will find the things you need to work on that will help you not seem so desperate. Men hate or are scared to death of desperate women. A desperate woman is quick to jump into relationships, she is resentful, excessively jealous, possessive and over controlling. If you sound like the description, you are selling yourself short. No matter how you try to hide it, it will show and people will ‘see’ it from across town. Be confident in yourself, realize that you are worth more than pearls and that any man who is up to par, will respect your space, your body and your mind and if he chooses not to, you don’t hesitate to show him the door.

Women today need to have more self confidence and realize that beauty comes from within, being the most beautiful woman in town and having no character and class is like a broken piece of glass that looks like a diamond. People will be attracted to its light and they will see as the get closer that the light fades and that if they are not careful, that piece of glass will hurt them instead of shining along side them…

Knowing yourself will help you in so many ways;

1) You know who you are and no one’s opinion of you can change your self-image

2) You will know the kind of person you want by your side

3) You will never settle for less than you are

4) You will ask for the respect you deserve or nothing otherwise

5) You will stay away from the things and people who bring you down

6) You know not be in a hurry, a great person is worth the wait

7) You will understand others a lot better and it makes you a better judge of character.

8.) You will have confidence, love and respect for yourself and your body

9) You will focus more on things that make you a better person

10)You will make decision and so when Mr. Right comes by..

Some great books I will recommend are:

“Fight like a girl” by Lisa Bevere
“Big girls don’t whine” by Jan Silvious
“In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant
“As a man thinketh” by James Allen
“The five love languages” by Gary Chapman

The perfect one is not right around the corner, not waiting in a church, or in the park. He is not in the best clubs. The perfect one is inside of you waiting for you to become the complete person ‘he’ wants to be a part of.

More about Bernice Angoh:
www.lemonadestreet.net
www.langohshops.com

Flower Power

(Lesley-Ann Brown, Copenhagen)

I started doing something last year that I thought I’d never do: I started to tend plants. It all started with a cactus which was given to me as a Christmas present. At first it seemed like one of those gesture gifts: given perfunctorily, and it probably was. But then, the plant did something I had never witnessed a cactus do before: It flowered.

After a year of sitting absently in my apartment, pink buds started to push forth from little black knobs on the tips of its leaves.

It got me to thinking about a few things. It got me to thinking about that old adage, you know, the one about don’t judge a book by its cover? It got me to thinking about surprises from the most unlikely of places and how much having this flowering cactus in my house uplifted me.

It got me to thinking about many of our ancestors who had to work Sun up and Sun down and who had to tend their own gardens in between working 6-7 days a weeks, in order to have but a little extra to eat. It made me a bit more connected to the relationship between us as human beings and the earth we have sometimes covered with concrete and littered with our indestructible gadgets.

See, I’m a city girl, a girl who can’t even name flowers even if they grew with signs. But this flowering cactus was enough to make me decide to get a few more flowering plants. On cue, a moving colleague gifted me with 3 geranium plants (I think that’s what they are!) and although I’m far from being a seasoned gardener, they have fared quite well for over a year now. And you know what? So have I.

The geraniums came from a well respected colleague with the instructions, Let the soil dry out a bit and then water with food once a week. They love that. Funnily enough, unlike so many other things in my life, I have managed to do this. You know why? It was because someone took the time to tell me how to take care of these plants. See, sometimes the obvious isn’t so obvious sometimes the reason we may not excel at doing something is simply because we do not know how. That’s where teachers, true life teachers, step in. We’re all students and teachers in life: Knowing when we’re which one at different times is a good skill to learn. No one knows everything!

Taking care of these plants is a big accomplishment for me, because every time I take the time to tend to these plants, I feel like I’m taking the time to tend to me. If I’m too busy to take care of these plants, it means, in some tangible way, I’m neglecting myself. A dehydrated plant, strangely enough, reflects the fact that I’m probably not being too good to myself. Am I remembering to drink enough water? Am I taking the time to stretch? Am I spending the time to do the things I must do to remain centered, like yes, tend to my plants?

I like clearing the dead leaves from the soil. I like watering them. I like the way the green fills up my windowpane and how it foils the blazing blue of the sky.
Tending to these plants has made me think about my own life: If I was a plant, who or what waters me? Or better yet, what do I water myself with? Nourishes me? If I surround myself with healthy people and things, surely I am fortified as well? What if I surround myself with heavy, negative people? Do they, in turn, poison my soil? What if I surround myself with people who inspire me to be my best (the most patient of gardeners, the master gardener, the gardener I strive to be)? If I hang out with other, expert gardeners (I use this as a loose metaphor, insert anything you like ) am I not bound to learn new techniques that will help me become a better gardener? Remember: When the student is willing the Master appears.

Conversely, I must strive to contribute positively to those budding flowers around me as well I must be to others what I wish them to be to me. Am I encouraging my peers? Am I present with my son i.e. being there with him, when we are together and not worrying about my phone bill? Am I interacting sincerely with the woman who mops the floors at my job? Am I fertilizing those around me? Am I engaged?

Through my plants, I have learned to weed the negative images and energy out of my life. I have found that it is very easy to moan about my life, be unhappy with myself and dis the majority of those around me if I surround myself with people, with images, that do the same. Conversely, I find that I am elevated and experiences vibrations so positive that I experience a buzz when I surround myself with images and people who look at what is going right in their lives, who encourage me to be true to myself, who challenge me lovingly, who support me and my efforts.

This is my fertilizer.

Look around you.
What do you see? Or more importantly, what do you NOT see? Make a list, mental or otherwise, of the things that make you feel good, not in a quick-fix way, but in a long-term, this-experience-is-fertilizing-my-soul-kind-of-way.

Make a list of those things or situations that make you feel bad. Don’t glaze over them. Spend some time wondering, “What is it about this particular exchange that de-centers me? That makes me uncomfortable?” “Is it me, my insecurities, or is this person projecting their issues on me?” Sometimes it’s difficult to tell, but one of the traits of a true student of Life is the willingness to look at yourself as harshly as you sometimes look at others. I say harshly, but please add a good dose of lovingly in their as well. I always try to talk to myself in the way I talk to my son, or how my grandmother talks to me with a voice full of love and understanding. It is not until we can treat ourselves in this way that we can begin to treat each other in this way.

No matter where you, chances are, it’s pretty difficult to find images that affirm (y)our beauty, that fertilize your soul. Just like I enjoy looking out my window at my plants, I enjoy looking out over the landscape of my life at those I hold dear to me: the array of flowering human beings who although not perfect (who is?) are committed to being better human beings and demand the same from me.

Sometimes what we see around us is not a reflection of (y)our soul. Not being able to see your Self, or recognize a part of your Self in the media or in your immediate surroundings is a subtle sort of abuse, a cultural amputation, a poisoning of your soil.

It is important that we recognize ourselves in the books we read, the magazines we peruse, the movies we watch. This is fertilizer.

A healthy dose of diverse representation is but one of the things our world needs.

The Remedy: Surround yourselves with images that remind you of who you are, who we are at our best. Include images that tap into the very best of our successes. And let every step we make be in Grace with a commitment to peace within and without. Smile, and watch your inner and outer flowers grow.

More about Lesley-Ann Brown:
www.blackgirlonmars.blogspot.com
www.theblackgirlssurvivalguide.blogspot.com

What Women Want

(Eve Hall)

The majority of women want and need the same things as men.
We want: A happy marriage, loving family members, respect, peace in the world, etc. We are not hard to please.

We want love, unconditionally. We don’t want to play games.

We want a shoulder to cry on, someone we can snuggle up to at night without being obligated to do anything else. Women want a gentleman and a bad boy, all in one. Some of us still like the doors being opened for us.

We like the man to take the lead in family matters, but always asking us our input on all the decision-making. We want to see our men cry, there is no shame in that. We want men to stop trying to find a wife like their mom. Stay with your momma if it is all that!

We want to be treated like the queens that we are. We are not perfect and we don’t pretend to be. We want to be heard, we want a listening ear.

I Do It For Brooklyn

(Lesley-Ann Brown, Copenhagen)

If things go well, please don’t expect them to go worse. The only thing that could possibly stop you now is your own tendency toward negative expectations — which, thankfully, you’ve been doing quite well at toning down in recent years. You’ve learned something about trusting the unknown and the improbable. True, you meet the occasional asshole, but notice how rarely that actually happens. Don’t decide for people who they are in advance. Keep your focus and feel the strength of optimism. As the next few weeks unfold, give yourself room to make a series of radical decisions that feed your heart, your soul and your hunger for deep contact.

My girl K always sends me my horoscope at moments when I need it most. This time it was around my recent 36th birthday. I never thought I would make it this far. Not because I was so stuck on this romantic notion of dying young, but because of the vast amounts of energy I have exerted in surviving up to this point. But anyway, I threw a great party surrounded by some amazing friends and to answer Stine’s question: Yes, I did leave my own party.

Never to pass up a moment to reflect (cough cough)I ponder the rift between what I do and who I am.

The payment for financial security in this society is exorbitant. For a writer, it often means that you must put your work on the sacrifice board and ask it to stay there calmly while reality sharpens its blade, ready for the execution. Art is for children, it says. Writing is only for rich people (or kept spouses!) it taunts–not for little brown girls from Brooklyn! It kicks your teeth in.

Oh, the laments of the reluctant bourgeois–luckily I don’t own any property (yet) so I can’t claim full membership to that club (yet).
While soldiers seek out those that dare to declare liberation from the stranglehold of another type of colonialism in Tibet, I sit and whine about a decision that has already been made, a fate that has already been cast.

What is the most important thing I can teach my son?

To live a life of integrity–that is what these protesters have done. They have dared to go out and fight against forces that continue cultural genocide. While I do not in any way condone any deaths on either side: I do wonder about the actions that have taken place.
How many times have this scene taken place, around the globe, centuries old? Bullies come in and take you over. You’re not allowed your own beliefs (because that is the very thing that has sustained you; you are forced (legally!) to forget who you are, to assume another culture’s survival tools that translate to the burial of your Self in order to serve and perpetuate another’s “power”.

May 4th Movement in China. I loved reading the works of Chinese Writers such as Mao Dun, Lao She, Lu Xun and Bing Xin. I loved getting swallowed up in the idealism and hope that these writers embraced: A better, more equal world for all.
And I think my fate is fucked up?
–but I don’t really think that cause it ain’t.

So I’m a keep on trucking on…cause if that horoscope is right, which heck, you damn well never know–I got some radical decisions to make and it involves my integrity and putting my ideas where my mouth is (pocket too–); ain’t no thing, as folks say back home, cause I’m in good company (right LD, KG & DB?)

And hopefully by the time I get to that chopping block, the blade of reality would have dulled some and my alter-ego and myself will join, as one, forever in harmony and the whole world will wake up and realize what it’s really about–embracing the heroism inherent in being humane.

I’ll redirect you now to another site: Guanaguanare, and I dedicate that to YOU.